getting to the heart of the matter...

Whew! we haven't written in a long while, but that's not to say we haven't thought about you.  have you ever been in the midst of an experience that you absolutely knew was where God wanted you to be?   As though if you doubted it for even a second, you would have to laugh because you were just that certain that it was part of your destiny.   that's what this time is for Seth and I.  it is part of our destiny.  does that mean that there aren't rough patches?  i don't think so.  In fact, this experience is probably more "destinential" BECAUSE of its rough patches...it is essentially DEFINED by its rough patches.  And i am not saying that the rough patches have been terribly rough, but they have been significant moments for us.  For instance...i am about to get really personal right now, so if you were looking for superficial, light and airy, or a recounting of our recent travels, this isn't it.  check back in two months (wink:o)...for instance...seth and i were talking before we went to bed the other night, and i realized that i have an unfortunate pattern forming in my life.  ever since i was a little girl, when i have moved on from a school, or a town, or a community, i have almost completely written off the people involved.  When we moved away from Riverside, i never really talked to the kids i grew up with again.  When i left high school i only talked to the girls who went to college with me and even then, i eventually cut them out of my life too.  If your reading, i am sorry.  And then, after my last, hardest and best year of college, i moved home and didn't want to go back to Santa Barbara for a long time.  I think the wedding planning trips were the first times i didn't fully cringe when returning to SB.   What the hell is that about?  The reason this came up, not that i haven't thought about it before, is because Seth has been talking about going back to Golden Bay to intern with this guy who has a very cool business setting up folks' edible gardens.  For those of you (probably most of you) who don't know what Golden Bay represents for me...it is the place where we took the Permaculture course that lasted three weeks.  

(This is a picture of a skit seth and i performed at hippy school).  Without being overly dramatic, they were a hard three weeks for me, for us (we are one now). I was stretched so far out of my comfort zone.  I had to ask our group of students (whom we were living in community with a.k.a sharing toilets and showers) TWICE to please keep the nudity out of public spaces.  I couldn't demand it because frankly, i was the minority there. But they were kind and did their best to respect our unique preferences.  The culture there was like none that i had lived in before.  I couldn't see any boundaries, physical or otherwise...some seemed to have them, but for the most part, i felt quite alone in my thinking.  There were even moments where it felt like other people's boundarylessness was forced upon me. I wanted to scream and run away from there unsolicited hugs and smiling faces.  I didn't know how to hold myself together in the midst of a culture that made me really uncomfortable.  Bless Seth, because He held my hand through the whole thing, encouraging me to speak my mind and make my needs known.  In the end, i was able to speak more boldly about my convictions, my faith, the love of God, my insecurities, etc...more boldly than i ever have.  I am thankful to each of those people for how they challenged me.  However, i don't want to go back there EVER again.  this is what i am talking about guys.  That experience, miserable high school moments, confusing/regrettable situations in college and damaged relationships...places of discomfort or awkwardness...who wants to relive those?  but isn't it sad to think that i would cut out these huge, important chunks of my life?!  and the people?!...the people that i have ceased to talk to because i don't want to go back to the moments that they represent, sad.  Praise God i have friends from those times that push through my defense mechanisms.  Praise God He cares enough to show me my fear and insecurities.  Because i don't want to keep cutting people out of my life when the memories get unpleasant.  

So, the other night as i let Seth into the dionna-dysfunction, i found a safe heart...someone who loves me even though i am broken and at times unkind.  He can't fix it, but he can help me process the old memories.  And hopefully, God will heal that part of me that wants to run...or else i will always be running.  Seth encouraged me to dare to go deeper with my friends...to trust them with the bits of me that don't look so good.  can you handle it?  I need accountability.  when you see me putting on my running shoes, please call me out on it.  i probably won't like it, but i think i will come around.  

For those of you who lasted this long, thank you for reading.  This is the kind of stuff that's coming to the top of the bucket, so to speak.  God is taking this time of seth and i being away, to bring the grit out.  New Zealand is beautiful, but learning to trust God and my husband with the yuck that i have collected in 26 years, is life-altering.  God's grace is calling me out of hiding.  My prayer is that He would show me how to live in His love and walk confidently in the steps that are ahead.  Maybe i will be going back to Golden Bay...

I hope i can be a safe place for your grit.  email, phone, skype, whatever, i can handle it.  thank you for teaching me about love.