Chapter ??: How it should have ended.
Opening my eyes, is this a dream or is it real? Will i find myself back in the arena when i open my eyes, realizing that everything up to now was an elaborate dream? Today, right now, i can hear Greasy Sae downstairs, talking to her granddaughter while she fries up something fatty. I lay motionless. Feeling the air come in and out of my nose. Watch my chest rise and fall. Two arms and two legs still attached. And i wonder, how did i make it to this day? I should be dead. And Peeta. My heart hurts as i think of him. He made it too, but at what cost? I want so badly to believe that he could go back to being the bread boy, and that I could go back to being…to being what exactly? I guess back then i was the starving kid, not sure where our next meal was coming from. And i realize in this moment that i have changed. Of course i have, but for the first time i realize that even though the last two years have been full of the most horrifying events of my life, they have made me who i am today. Whether i like who that is, i don't know. And this makes me feel guilty for wanting the boy with the bread back. Peeta couldn't fight the change anymore than i could. But i hate what the capitol and Snow stole from him…from me. They stole the boy who loved me unconditionally, who comforted me even when i wasn't sure what i could give him in return. I cringe to think of how i hurt Peeta. And Gale. Gale. I think Gale saw what i was slow to see. He saw that the Katniss that survived the first Hunger Games was no longer the girl that spent so much time hunting with him, side-by-side. Somewhere along the way Peeta became the one who understood me better and could break down the wall that i started to build the day my mom lost it after my dad died. That wall just got more thick and complicated as we went into the Games and the Revolution. And Peeta was there all the time. Even though i wanted to protect him, he was the one who protected me. Somewhere, not far from where i am laying, Peeta is there. And what am i going to say to him? The thing that i have never allowed myself to say is creeping along the edge of my mind. I want more than anything for the old Peeta to walk through my bedroom door, hold me in his arms and tell me that it is going to be ok. That even though i have lost my father, my sister, parts of myself, and hurt Gale and Peeta, that even after all this, we are going to be ok. We. I want there to be a "we." I can't have the bread boy back, but that boy wouldn't know how to love the new Katniss. And that's when i realize that Peeta and I are both broken, and it's only together that we can heal. That we carry the key for the other person. And now, in my own bed, away from the bloody games and the Revolution and the Mockingjay, i know one thing…I love Peeta. And for the first time I allow myself to consider a future with him…if he'll have me.
"Hey Greasy."
"Katniss! i knew the smell of fried squirrel and eggs would get you out of bed! Pull up a seat. There's a letter here for you." I pull up a stool and quickly grab the letter waiting for me.
"From district 4?! It must be Gale." My heart flips…is this the letter where he tells me that he never wants to see me again?
"Must be, huh? Well eat before it gets cold."
With my mouth full of the first bite I ask, "have you seen Peeta yet today?"
"I saw him walking early this morning. Poor guy walked right by me muttering something under his breath. Barely noticed me walking past him."
Oh Peeta. "Yeah, I guess we are both a little crazy now."
"Hmm…We'll see about that. Maybe away from the cameras and the capitol you and that boy can figure out what's real and what's not." And of course she's right. Peeta and I have had to try to work out how we feel and what we think in front of the cameras and all of Panem. Now we will see if we have a chance at something real. No more lies and pretending.
"Thanks for breakfast Greasy. I am going to go for a walk." She eyes me skeptically, but doesn't try to stop me. I need to have my feet on the ground, feel the leaves crunch beneath me, hear the birds in the trees. The woods are still my home. A place that hasn't changed through it all. I walk for 20 minutes or so and realize that I'm in no shape for a big hike. I pick a dry spot, make a seat of leaves, and rest my back against a big tree. I close my eyes and think of Prim and try not to cry. When i volunteered in her place for the Games i thought i could protect her. But this whole thing was so much bigger than just me. And maybe thats the first step to forgiving myself for her death. I couldn't protect her forever, anymore than i could protect Peeta, or love Gale. The thought reminds me of the letter in my back pocket. I open my eyes and reach for it now. After all that i have been through you wouldn't think i would be such a chicken opening a little envelope, but i find myself afraid of what he has to say. But then i remember this is Gale, if not my lover, he is my oldest friend.
He writes,
"Dear Catnip,
How you doing? Last time i saw you, you looked like crap. I think they had you heavily drugged after finding you in the street near Snow's mansion. I'm sorry that i didn't get to say good bye when you were awake. They let me see you while you were recovering, but like i said, you were in bad shape and didn't come out of your drug stupor. Seeing you like that and knowing that you had lost Prim, i almost couldn't handle it. We all lost so much in this whole thing. But Snow got his in the end. Although, I couldn't believe you passed up the chance to kill him yourself. I guess that shows how much you hated Coin. I never trusted her much either, but i saw how she could get us what we wanted…revolution. And we won Katniss. There's a lot of work to be done in the districts, rebuilding and getting a functional government going. I am excited to be part of that. Which brings me to District 4. Its different than 12 to be sure. Maybe that's why i like it. I miss hunting with you, but maybe our days were numbered even before all this happened. I think i will always love you Katniss, but i can't compete with what you have with Peeta. It kills me to say this, but i think you both need each other. I am going to be alright Katniss. There are more than a few damsels around this district who have my eye. None of them can shoot like you, but who could compete with the Mockingjay. Ha! (Bet you hate that!) But really, I want you to be happy Katniss. Prim would want that too. I will always have your back, but you need more than a hunting partner. I wanted to be more, but I see now that it wasn't meant to be. So let me give you some advice…don't let your stupid pride keep you from telling Peeta how you feel. After Peeta was brought back from the capitol and seemed to hate you, you had it wrong when you said that he finally was seeing you for who you really were. I can imagine what they did to him Katniss and for him to stay alive through it all…he knew what you were and are and couldn't give you up. You never have seen yourself very clearly. Maybe Peeta can help you with that.
Give Greasy my regards. And tell Haymitch not to kill himself with too much booze. And keep an eye out for me in the woods when your hunting!
Love Gale"
The breath i had been holding comes out in a puff. Leave it to Gale to make it easier for me to let go of any guilt over choosing Peeta and not him. I will write Gale and tell him how much he means to me and how i couldn't have gotten through the last couple of years without him. But for the moment i realize that i am able to say good bye to whatever life we might have had together. And suddenly i am aware of a hunger that i haven't ever really known…or allowed myself to have. Its a hunger for the feeling that i had only a couple of times, but they are strong enough memories to make me ache. I am so tired, so broken, and all i want is those arms around me. I want to bury myself in the safety that is Peeta. Without realizing it, i am standing and scanning the horizon as if he should be nearby. I walk and then run in the direction of the town square and victor's village. I have to find him. Forget the fact that my lungs are burning and i might pass out. I don't want to waste another minute. I find him in the bakery near the ovens. As i approach the open door, i see that his back is turned to me as he loads the hot oven with several loaves of bread. I can't help but notice several of my favorite buns with cheese are among the other larger loaves. it makes me smile. And all at once i am filled with more warmth and joy than i have known for a very long time. I am looking at this back that i have come to love more than i ever thought i could admit. And when he turns around we nearly topple into the ovens as i have thrown myself into his arms. And at first i am not sure if he will hold me back, but then his tighten around me. His hands firm and strong, engulfing me and pressing me to his heart. I bury my head in the crook of his neck and unleash all the tears i had held onto for the last two years. Tears for what we two have lost and tears for what we could still have. And Peeta is whispering words i can't hear, but i feel the redemption in them. After what feels like forever he picks me up, and walks me to a tree outside the shop. Not wanting to let me go or lose this moment, he sits down in the dust, with me cradled in his arms. Gently grabbing my shoulders, he pulls me away just enough to look into my face. I see the hurt and sadness of the last two years in his eyes, but i see the forgiveness and the flicker of fight also. I gather my courage and wipe my eyes so that i can say what i need to say.
"Peeta I am so very sorry. That you were alone and hurt so badly. I wanted to keep you safe, but i couldn't…i couldn't." And then a fresh wave of tears threatens to drown us both. But just like old Peeta he patiently waits for me to calm down. Soothing me with his hands…rubbing my back and arms. Eventually i stop crying long enough to keep going.
"When i knew they had you and were using you it made me crazy. I wouldn't let myself even think it at the time, but i couldn't bear the thought of the capitol taking you away from me because i love you Peeta Mallark. I love you and I don't know if you can love me again after all you have been through and all the times i have hurt you, but i hope you can. Can you?" At this point i find myself staring at a beetle crawling across Peeta's artificial leg. I am afraid to see in Peeta's eyes that i am too late. That he thinks i am a liar and is better off without me. I brush away the beetle since he probably can't feel it crawling up his leg. As i do, he catches my hand and brings it to his face…forcing me to look into his eyes. He gently kisses the tip of each finger. On reaching the last one, he places my hand against the side of his face and holds it there. I am more aware of him than i have ever been and realize that in this moment he has the power to destroy me.
"Katniss. I am sorry that i tried to kill you." And because of the intensity of the moment i can' t stop myself from laughing. Its not a normal laugh, but one of those nervous, pent-up laughs that comes out in an awkward burst. And Peeta smiles back at me. "I am glad i didn't succeed because i wouldn't have gotten to hear you say what i have wanted to hear from your lips since we were kids. Tracker jacker venom couldn't erase what i feel for you Katniss. Granted it confused the hell out of me for a while." And at this confession i can see the shadow of a darkness cross his face, but it seems to pass before he says, "I love you Katniss Everdeen. Always." And then i am caught up in a kiss of such tenderness. Its the lips that i have missed. The soft warm certainty of the boy who is now a man. And because we have been to hell and back the tenderness turns to a fierce need to be sure that we are real. One kiss becomes a thousand urgent kisses, filled with the longing of so much time and pain. And then we are both clinging to one another sharing our grief and spending our guilt. There is the two of us now.
After hours, maybe days, we become aware of other pressing needs like food. The loaves Peeta threw in just before i accosted him are pretty well burned by the time we get to them. But fortunately it was a second batch and the first batch is sitting safely on the counter. we pull up stools and feast on the nutty goodness while relishing a peaceful silence. For the first time in a long time we can look forward to a future…together.
Peeta smiles a mischievous smile at me and says, "Katniss, when did you know you loved me?" Even though my confession is fresh out of my mouth, i find myself blushing. He lightly brushes my cheek, but waits patiently for my answer. And then i want to tell him, because I owe him my life and all he wants is to know when it all changed.
"I thought i might when you died in the Quell. I knew when you tried to kill me."
"WHAT?!" Peeta is looking at me in disbelief. No doubt he was expecting a more romantic moment.
"Seriously. When you had your hands around my neck and i thought that it was over, i felt like it was what i deserved." At this he tries to interrupt me, but i continue, "I didn't want to die, but I was ready to die at your hands. And it was because if you had stopped loving me, which it seemed like you must have, i didn't want to keep going. Afterwards, I couldn't admit to myself that it was because i loved you that it hurt so bad that you wanted to kill me. " Peeta is covering his face with one of his hands at this explanation. I think because the pain is still too fresh and those days under the tracker jacker venom are confusing and scary. Without thinking i walk around the table to him and put his head against my chest. "Peeta, i do love you." And he lets out what seems a cross between a sigh and a sob and it is his turn to be comforted. He buries his face in my neck. His warm breath and lips against my skin. And even though the pain is real, the joy at holding the man who i nearly lost too many times, is unmistakable. In a muffled voice, thick with emotion, i hear, "Tell me again Katniss."
"I love you for always Peeta."
