So Kaikoura was (when i started this blog) and now Hickory Bay is the spot for now, and now we are in MotuekaI say that with nervous enthusiasm, because in Kaikoura a time of growth, freedom, and has surly begun. (more on that later)
Kaikoura is a small town with the snow capped southern alps directly to the west and the big blue pacific to the east. We spent almost a month helping manage Surfwatch B&B, which is perched on a coastal bluff overlooking the waters of Mangamanu Bay (google Surfwatch BnB, Kaikoura) and features a back paddock view of one of the most beautiful snow capped costal ranges I have ever seen. The beauty of New Zealand is all that it is cracked up to be. It is worth a visit for sure.
If you know me, Seth, I specialize in maximizing opportunities, aligning all that can be so that one might get the most out of an experience. A "maximizer" if you will. As a "maximizer" it has has been somewhat of a challenge to keep my eye on the prize here in New Zealand, the absolute real reason why Dionna and I are here, which is to deepen the foundation of our marriage. You see there are other sub reasons as to why we have chosen New Zealand. Things like figuring out what we want to do with the rest of our lives, learn all there is to know about organics, homesteading, permaculture, become proficient B&B managers, be the perfect husband, gather as many "life skills" as we can stuff in. Just sub reasons to our trip really. No big deal right...
Wrong. These self imposed expectations can be larger than life and man do they are haunt me. They never sleep, and they are never satisfied. They always seem to find a way to steal me from the present moment. I have had so many anxious attacks while shoveling dirt out in the back paddock. Like a sudden torrent of rain all this guilt, anxiousness, and fear sweep in, and the beauty of the freshly dusted costal mountains means nothing as I try, with all my strength, to figure out how I can make all of my expectations come to fruition. It becomes maddening at times. The question is why does this happen to me? Jesus's words "For who ever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." "Who ever wants to save his life will lose it" hmm that sounds familiar. I find that the harder I try to take charge of my life the more it makes me go crazy. Essentially I hear him saying, "Let go, loosen your grip Seth. You are holding on too tight. Trust me I have got you."
Lately, I have found myself getting bogged down like an old computer trying to process to many programs at once. I have often asked myself, " if I am not suppose to figure it all out then who is?" And this is precisely the question God has brought me to, and the reason for all this struggle. Come to find out I haven't been alone in this struggle. He has seen me struggle day after day, loosing sleep over the worries of "running the destiny of the Schmidt's." He feels the lump of anxiety that gets lodged in my throat, and in the most simple and loving way possible God has brought me to the realization that He wants to take this burden of "running my own life" from me. He longs to see me like a child totally absorbed in the moment, freed from worries of this world, dependent on Him, and open to receive the bounty of His day, and the only thing required from me is trust. Trust in the simplest form. Like, " Can you drop off my paycheck at the bank? I trust you." It seems so simple really, yet the second you apply it to your life it seems to go against every piece of flesh I know. As history shows us man has been prone to wander from the very beginning, lured into thinking that he can do life apart from his creator. There are even moments when we think we can run our lives better than our Creator. Wow!
To entrust HIM with the whole thing that is the call, a scary proposal indeed. What about things like finances, future kids, job security, passions, marriage, friendships, living out of my own skin, strength to carry on when things get tough. Yep all of it. It has become quite clear that our time here in New Zealand has been tailor made to break us from our own craziness, and take hold of the loving hand of God. Like a parent is to a child guiding, helping, and loving our God longs to meet us. Even to the point of death believe it or not as we have seen in the life of Jesus. Life with God is not easy, but I am starting to realize that there is no other alternative, and if I were truly honest I would say that intimacy with God is the true longing of my heart. I am convinced that it is the only way to experience freedom form the burdens of this life and the only way to experience the true wholeness we are all searching for.
Were you expecting the lighter side of Seth after Dionna's last deep blog? Yeah it might be nice to share about how much fun we are having like helping to sheer 500+ sheep last weekend, or the fact that it has been raining straight for the last five days, or maybe that New Zealand is filled with pink Abalone. We even got to see the whole process of our lamb dinner, from eating green organic grass to death and dressing to slow cooked Moroccan lamb stew. Next time... I would rather share all of this over a nice dinner with all of you at the table but that would get expensive if we had to fly home every time God did something cool in our lives. The truth is that Dionna and I really long to be know intimately by those that God has put in our lives, and in the same spirit we long to know you in the same way. I feel called to foster deep and meaningful relationships, because walking closely with each other is a close second to walking close with our Creator.
We hope you are all doing well and supported during these crazy times. Know that we think about you all often, and we are looking forward to seeing you in December. Mucho amore!!!
