How many of you read the Hunger Games series and got to the last book and thought, "WHAT?!?!?!?!" Well that is what happened to me, so i wrote this.  The grammar is probably atrocious, spelling questionable, but plenty of heart behind it.  Enjoy.

Chapter ??:  How it should have ended.

Opening my eyes, is this a dream or is it real? Will i find myself back in the arena when i open my eyes, realizing that everything up to now was an elaborate dream?  Today, right now, i can hear Greasy Sae downstairs, talking to her granddaughter while she fries up something fatty.  I lay motionless.  Feeling the air come in and out of my nose.  Watch my chest rise and fall.  Two arms and two legs still attached.  And i wonder, how did i make it to this day? I should be dead.  And Peeta.  My heart hurts as i think of him.  He made it too, but at what cost?  I want so badly to believe that he could go back to being the bread boy, and that I could go back to being…to being what exactly? I guess back then i was the starving kid, not sure where our next meal was coming from.  And i realize in this moment that i have changed.  Of course i have, but for the first time i realize that even though the last two years have been full of the most horrifying events of my life, they have made me who i am today.  Whether i like who that is, i don't know.  And this makes me feel guilty for wanting the boy with the bread back.  Peeta couldn't fight the change anymore than i could.  But i hate what the capitol and Snow stole from him…from me. They stole the boy who loved me unconditionally, who comforted me even when i wasn't sure what i could give him in return.  I cringe to think of how i hurt Peeta.  And Gale.  Gale.  I think Gale saw what i was slow to see.  He saw that the Katniss that survived the first Hunger Games was no longer the girl that spent so much time hunting with him, side-by-side. Somewhere along the way Peeta became the one who understood me better and could break down the wall that i started to build the day my mom lost it after my dad died.  That wall just got more thick and complicated as we went into the Games and the Revolution.  And Peeta was there all the time.  Even though i wanted to protect him, he was the one who protected me.  Somewhere, not far from where i am laying, Peeta is there.  And what am i going to say to him? The thing that i have never allowed myself to say is creeping along the edge of my mind.  I want more than anything for the old Peeta to walk through my bedroom door, hold me in his arms and tell me that it is going to be ok.  That even though i have lost my father, my sister,  parts of myself, and hurt Gale and Peeta, that even after all this, we are going to be ok. We.  I want there to be a "we."  I can't have the bread boy back, but that boy wouldn't know how to love the new Katniss.  And that's when i realize that Peeta and I are both broken, and it's only together that we can heal.  That we carry the key for the other person.  And now, in my own bed, away from the bloody games and the Revolution and the Mockingjay, i know one thing…I love Peeta.  And for the first time I allow myself to consider a future with him…if he'll have me.  

"Hey Greasy."

"Katniss! i knew the smell of fried squirrel and eggs would get you out of bed! Pull up a seat.  There's a letter here for you."  I pull up a stool and quickly grab the letter waiting for me.

"From district 4?! It must be Gale." My heart flips…is this the letter where he tells me that he never wants to see me again? 

"Must be, huh? Well eat before it gets cold."

With my mouth full of the first bite I ask, "have you seen Peeta yet today?" 

"I saw him walking early this morning.  Poor guy walked right by me muttering something under his breath.  Barely noticed me walking past him." 

Oh Peeta.  "Yeah, I guess we are both a little crazy now."

"Hmm…We'll see about that.  Maybe away from the cameras and the capitol you and that boy can figure out what's real and what's not."  And of course she's right.  Peeta and I have had to try to work out how we feel and what we think in front of the cameras and all of Panem. Now we will see if we have a chance at something real.  No more lies and pretending.  

"Thanks for breakfast Greasy.  I am going to go for a walk."  She eyes me skeptically, but doesn't try to stop me.  I need to have my feet on the ground, feel the leaves crunch beneath me, hear the birds in the trees.  The woods are still my home.  A place that hasn't changed through it all.  I walk for 20 minutes or so and realize that I'm in no shape for a big hike.  I pick a dry spot, make a seat of leaves, and rest my back against a big tree.  I close my eyes and think of Prim and try not to cry.  When i volunteered in her place for the Games i thought i could protect her.  But this whole thing was so much bigger than just me.  And maybe thats the first step to forgiving myself for her death.  I couldn't protect her  forever, anymore than i could protect Peeta, or love Gale.  The thought reminds me of the letter in my back pocket.  I open my eyes and reach for it now.  After all that i have been through you wouldn't think i would be such a chicken opening a little envelope, but i find myself afraid of what he has to say.  But then i remember this is Gale, if not my lover, he is my oldest friend.  

He writes,

"Dear Catnip,

How you doing? Last time i saw you, you looked like crap.  I think they had you heavily drugged after finding you in the street near Snow's mansion.  I'm sorry that i didn't get to say good bye when you were awake.  They let me see you while you were recovering, but like i said, you were in bad shape and didn't come out of your drug stupor.  Seeing you like that and knowing that you had lost Prim, i almost couldn't handle it.  We all lost so much in this whole thing.  But Snow got his in the end.  Although, I couldn't believe you passed up the chance to kill him yourself.  I guess that shows how much you hated Coin.  I never trusted her much either, but i saw how she could get us what we wanted…revolution.  And we won Katniss.  There's a lot of work to be done in the districts, rebuilding and getting a functional government going.  I am excited to be part of that.  Which brings me to District 4.  Its different than 12 to be sure.  Maybe that's why i like it.  I miss hunting with you, but maybe our days were numbered even before all this happened.  I think i will always love you Katniss, but i can't compete with what you have with Peeta.  It kills me to say this, but i think you both need each other.  I am going to be alright Katniss.  There are more than a few damsels around this district who have my eye.  None of them can shoot like you, but who could compete with the Mockingjay.  Ha! (Bet you hate that!) But really, I want you to be happy Katniss.  Prim would want that too.  I will always have your back, but you need more than a hunting partner.  I wanted to be more, but I see now that it wasn't meant to be.  So let me give you some advice…don't let your stupid pride keep you from telling Peeta how you feel.  After Peeta was brought back from the capitol and seemed to hate you, you had it wrong when you said that he finally was seeing you for who you really were.  I can imagine what they did to him Katniss and for him to stay alive through it all…he knew what you were and are and couldn't give you up.  You never have seen yourself very clearly.  Maybe Peeta can help you with that.  

Give Greasy my regards.  And tell Haymitch not to kill himself with too much booze.  And keep an eye out for me in the woods when your hunting!

Love Gale"

The breath i had been holding comes out in a puff.  Leave it to Gale to make it easier for me to let go of any guilt over choosing Peeta and not him.  I will write Gale and tell him how much he means to me and how i couldn't have gotten through the last couple of years without him.  But for the moment i realize that i am able to say good bye to whatever life we might have had together.  And suddenly i am aware of a hunger that i haven't ever really known…or allowed myself to have.  Its a hunger for the feeling that i had only a couple of times, but they are strong enough memories to make me ache.  I am so tired, so broken, and all i want is those arms around me.  I want to bury myself in the safety that is Peeta.  Without realizing it, i am standing and scanning the horizon as if he should be nearby.  I walk and then run in the direction of the town square and victor's village.  I have to find him.  Forget the fact that my lungs are burning and i might pass out.  I don't want to waste another minute.  I find him in the bakery near the ovens.  As i approach the open door, i see that his back is turned to me as he loads the hot oven with several loaves of bread.  I can't help but notice several of my favorite buns with cheese are among the other larger loaves.  it makes me smile.  And all at once i am filled with more warmth and joy than i have known for a very long time.  I am looking at this back that i have come to love more than i ever thought i could admit.  And when he turns around we nearly topple into the ovens as i have thrown myself into his arms.  And at first i am not sure if he will hold me back, but then his tighten around me.  His hands firm and strong, engulfing me and pressing me to his heart.  I bury my head in the crook of his neck and unleash all the tears i had held onto for the last two years. Tears  for what we two have lost and tears for what we could still have.  And Peeta is whispering words i can't hear, but i feel the redemption in them.  After what feels like forever he picks me up, and walks me to a tree outside the shop.  Not wanting to let me go or lose this moment, he sits down in the dust, with me cradled in his arms.  Gently grabbing my shoulders, he pulls me away just enough to look into my face.  I see the hurt and sadness of the last two years in his eyes, but i see the forgiveness and the flicker of fight also.  I gather my courage and wipe my eyes so that i can say what i need to say.  

"Peeta I am so very sorry.  That you were alone and hurt so badly.  I wanted to keep you safe, but i couldn't…i couldn't." And then a fresh wave of tears threatens to drown us both.  But just like old Peeta he patiently waits for me to calm down.  Soothing me with his hands…rubbing my back and arms.  Eventually i stop crying long enough to keep going.

"When i knew they had you and were using you it made me crazy.  I wouldn't let myself even think it at the time, but i couldn't bear the thought of the capitol taking you away from me because i love you Peeta Mallark.  I love you and I don't know if you can love me again after all you have been through and all the times i have hurt you, but i hope you can.  Can you?" At this point i find myself staring at a beetle crawling across Peeta's artificial leg.  I am afraid to see in Peeta's eyes that i am too late.  That he thinks i am a liar and is better off without me.  I brush away the beetle since he probably can't feel it crawling up his leg.  As i do, he catches my hand and brings it to his face…forcing me to look into his eyes.  He gently kisses the tip of each finger.  On reaching the last one, he places my hand against the side of his face and holds it there.  I am more aware of him than i have ever been and realize that in this moment he has the power to destroy me.  

"Katniss.  I am sorry that i tried to kill you."  And because of the intensity of the moment i can' t stop myself from laughing.  Its not a normal laugh, but one of those nervous, pent-up laughs that comes out in an awkward burst.  And Peeta smiles back at me.  "I am glad i didn't succeed because i wouldn't have gotten to hear you say what i have wanted to hear from your lips since we were kids.  Tracker jacker venom couldn't erase what i feel for you Katniss.  Granted it confused the hell out of me for a while." And at this confession i can see the shadow of  a darkness cross his face, but it seems to pass before he says, "I love you Katniss Everdeen.  Always."  And then i am caught up in a kiss of such tenderness.  Its the lips that i have missed.  The soft warm certainty of the boy who is now a man.  And because we have been to hell and back the tenderness turns to a fierce need to be sure that we are real.   One kiss becomes a thousand urgent kisses, filled with the longing of so much time and pain.  And then we are both clinging to one another sharing our grief and spending our guilt.  There is the two of us now.  

After hours, maybe days, we become aware of other pressing needs like food.  The loaves Peeta threw in just before i accosted him are pretty well burned by the time we get to them.  But fortunately it was a second batch and the first batch is sitting safely on the counter.  we pull up stools and feast on the nutty goodness while relishing a peaceful silence.  For the first time in a long time we can look forward to a future…together.  

Peeta smiles a mischievous smile at me and says, "Katniss, when did you know you loved me?"  Even though my confession is fresh out of my mouth, i find myself blushing.  He lightly brushes my cheek, but waits patiently for my answer.  And then i want to tell him, because I owe him my life and all he wants is to know when it all changed.  

"I thought i might when you died in the Quell.  I knew when you tried to kill me."

"WHAT?!" Peeta is looking at me in disbelief.  No doubt he was expecting a more romantic moment. 

"Seriously.  When you had your hands around my neck and i thought that it was over, i felt like it was what i deserved." At this he tries to interrupt me, but i continue, "I didn't want to die, but I was ready to die at your hands.  And it was because if you had stopped loving me, which it seemed like you must have, i didn't want to keep going.  Afterwards, I couldn't admit to myself that it was because i loved you that it hurt so bad that you wanted to kill me. "  Peeta is covering his face with one of his hands at this explanation.  I think because the pain is still too fresh and those days under the tracker jacker venom are confusing and scary.  Without thinking i walk around the table to him and put his head against my chest.  "Peeta, i do love you."  And he lets out what seems a cross between a sigh and a sob and it is his turn to be comforted.  He buries his face in my neck.  His warm breath and lips against my skin.  And even though the pain is real, the joy at holding the man who i nearly lost too many times, is unmistakable.  In a muffled voice, thick with emotion, i hear, "Tell me again Katniss."  

"I love you for always Peeta."  

This is why I am here

So Kaikoura was (when i started this blog) and now Hickory Bay is the spot for now, and now we are in MotuekaI say that with nervous enthusiasm, because in Kaikoura a time of growth, freedom, and has surly begun.  (more on that later) 

Kaikoura is a small town with the snow capped southern alps directly to the west and the big blue pacific to the east.  We spent almost a month helping manage Surfwatch B&B, which is perched on a coastal bluff overlooking the waters of Mangamanu Bay (google Surfwatch BnB, Kaikoura) and features a back paddock view of one of the most beautiful snow capped costal ranges I have ever seen.  The beauty of New Zealand is all that it is cracked up to be.  It is worth a visit for sure.

If you know me, Seth, I specialize in maximizing opportunities, aligning all that can be so that one might get the most out of an experience.  A "maximizer" if you will. As a "maximizer" it has has been somewhat of a challenge to keep my eye on the prize here in New Zealand, the absolute real reason why Dionna and I are here, which is to deepen the foundation of our marriage. You see there are other sub reasons as to why we have chosen New Zealand.  Things like figuring out what we want to do with the rest of our lives, learn all there is to know about organics, homesteading, permaculture, become proficient B&B managers, be the perfect husband, gather as many "life skills" as we can stuff in.  Just sub reasons to our trip really.  No big deal right...

Wrong.  These self imposed expectations can be larger than life and man do they are haunt me.  They never sleep, and they are never satisfied.  They always seem to find a way to steal me from the present moment.  I have had so many anxious attacks while shoveling dirt out in the back paddock.  Like a sudden torrent of rain all this guilt, anxiousness, and fear sweep in, and the beauty of the freshly dusted costal mountains means nothing as I try, with all my strength, to figure out how I can make all of my expectations come to fruition.  It becomes maddening at times.  The question is why does this happen to me?  Jesus's words "For  who ever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." "Who ever wants to save his life will lose it" hmm that sounds familiar.  I find that the harder I try to take charge of my life the more it makes me go crazy.  Essentially I hear him saying, "Let go, loosen your grip Seth. You are holding on too tight. Trust me I have got you."  

Lately, I have found myself getting bogged down like an old computer trying to process to many programs at once.  I have often asked myself, " if I am not suppose to figure it all out then who is?"  And this is precisely the question God has brought me to, and the reason for all this struggle.  Come to find out I haven't been alone in this struggle.  He has seen me struggle day after day, loosing sleep over the worries of "running the destiny of the Schmidt's."  He feels the lump of anxiety that gets lodged in my throat, and in the most simple and loving way possible God has brought me to the realization that He wants to take this burden of "running my own life" from me.  He longs to see me like a child totally absorbed in the moment, freed from worries of this world, dependent on Him, and open to receive the bounty of His day, and the only thing required from me is trust.  Trust in the simplest form.  Like, " Can you drop off my paycheck at the bank?  I trust you."  It seems so simple really, yet the second you apply it to your life it seems to go against every piece of flesh I know.  As history shows us man has been prone to wander from the very beginning, lured into thinking that he can do life apart from his creator.  There are even moments when we think we can run our lives better than our Creator.  Wow!  

To entrust HIM with the whole thing that is the call,  a scary proposal indeed.  What about things like finances, future kids, job security, passions, marriage, friendships, living out of my own skin, strength to carry on when things get tough.  Yep all of it.  It has become quite clear that our time here in New Zealand has been tailor made to break us from our own craziness, and take hold of the loving hand of God.  Like a parent is to a child guiding, helping, and loving our God longs to meet us.  Even to the point of death believe it or not as we have seen in the life of Jesus.  Life with God is not easy, but I am starting to realize that there is no other alternative, and if I were truly honest I would say that intimacy with God is the true longing of my heart.  I am convinced that it is the only way to experience freedom form the burdens of this life and the only way to experience the true wholeness we are all searching for. 

Were you expecting the lighter side of Seth after Dionna's last deep blog?  Yeah it might be nice to share about how much fun we are having like helping to sheer 500+ sheep last weekend, or the fact that it has been raining straight for the last five days, or maybe that New Zealand is filled with pink Abalone.  We even got to see the whole process of our lamb dinner, from eating green organic grass to death and dressing to slow cooked Moroccan lamb stew.  Next time... I would rather share all of this over a nice dinner with all of you at the table but that would get expensive if we had to fly home every time God did something cool in our lives.  The truth is that Dionna and I really long to be know intimately by those that God has put in our lives, and in the same spirit we long to know you in the same way.  I feel called to foster deep and meaningful relationships, because walking closely with each other is a close second to walking close with our Creator.  

We hope you are all doing well and supported during these crazy times.  Know that we think about you all often, and we are looking forward to seeing you in December.  Mucho amore!!!

getting to the heart of the matter...

Whew! we haven't written in a long while, but that's not to say we haven't thought about you.  have you ever been in the midst of an experience that you absolutely knew was where God wanted you to be?   As though if you doubted it for even a second, you would have to laugh because you were just that certain that it was part of your destiny.   that's what this time is for Seth and I.  it is part of our destiny.  does that mean that there aren't rough patches?  i don't think so.  In fact, this experience is probably more "destinential" BECAUSE of its rough patches...it is essentially DEFINED by its rough patches.  And i am not saying that the rough patches have been terribly rough, but they have been significant moments for us.  For instance...i am about to get really personal right now, so if you were looking for superficial, light and airy, or a recounting of our recent travels, this isn't it.  check back in two months (wink:o)...for instance...seth and i were talking before we went to bed the other night, and i realized that i have an unfortunate pattern forming in my life.  ever since i was a little girl, when i have moved on from a school, or a town, or a community, i have almost completely written off the people involved.  When we moved away from Riverside, i never really talked to the kids i grew up with again.  When i left high school i only talked to the girls who went to college with me and even then, i eventually cut them out of my life too.  If your reading, i am sorry.  And then, after my last, hardest and best year of college, i moved home and didn't want to go back to Santa Barbara for a long time.  I think the wedding planning trips were the first times i didn't fully cringe when returning to SB.   What the hell is that about?  The reason this came up, not that i haven't thought about it before, is because Seth has been talking about going back to Golden Bay to intern with this guy who has a very cool business setting up folks' edible gardens.  For those of you (probably most of you) who don't know what Golden Bay represents for me...it is the place where we took the Permaculture course that lasted three weeks.  

(This is a picture of a skit seth and i performed at hippy school).  Without being overly dramatic, they were a hard three weeks for me, for us (we are one now). I was stretched so far out of my comfort zone.  I had to ask our group of students (whom we were living in community with a.k.a sharing toilets and showers) TWICE to please keep the nudity out of public spaces.  I couldn't demand it because frankly, i was the minority there. But they were kind and did their best to respect our unique preferences.  The culture there was like none that i had lived in before.  I couldn't see any boundaries, physical or otherwise...some seemed to have them, but for the most part, i felt quite alone in my thinking.  There were even moments where it felt like other people's boundarylessness was forced upon me. I wanted to scream and run away from there unsolicited hugs and smiling faces.  I didn't know how to hold myself together in the midst of a culture that made me really uncomfortable.  Bless Seth, because He held my hand through the whole thing, encouraging me to speak my mind and make my needs known.  In the end, i was able to speak more boldly about my convictions, my faith, the love of God, my insecurities, etc...more boldly than i ever have.  I am thankful to each of those people for how they challenged me.  However, i don't want to go back there EVER again.  this is what i am talking about guys.  That experience, miserable high school moments, confusing/regrettable situations in college and damaged relationships...places of discomfort or awkwardness...who wants to relive those?  but isn't it sad to think that i would cut out these huge, important chunks of my life?!  and the people?!...the people that i have ceased to talk to because i don't want to go back to the moments that they represent, sad.  Praise God i have friends from those times that push through my defense mechanisms.  Praise God He cares enough to show me my fear and insecurities.  Because i don't want to keep cutting people out of my life when the memories get unpleasant.  

So, the other night as i let Seth into the dionna-dysfunction, i found a safe heart...someone who loves me even though i am broken and at times unkind.  He can't fix it, but he can help me process the old memories.  And hopefully, God will heal that part of me that wants to run...or else i will always be running.  Seth encouraged me to dare to go deeper with my friends...to trust them with the bits of me that don't look so good.  can you handle it?  I need accountability.  when you see me putting on my running shoes, please call me out on it.  i probably won't like it, but i think i will come around.  

For those of you who lasted this long, thank you for reading.  This is the kind of stuff that's coming to the top of the bucket, so to speak.  God is taking this time of seth and i being away, to bring the grit out.  New Zealand is beautiful, but learning to trust God and my husband with the yuck that i have collected in 26 years, is life-altering.  God's grace is calling me out of hiding.  My prayer is that He would show me how to live in His love and walk confidently in the steps that are ahead.  Maybe i will be going back to Golden Bay...

I hope i can be a safe place for your grit.  email, phone, skype, whatever, i can handle it.  thank you for teaching me about love. 

Many days passed

Hi everybody!!! a month flies by really fast when you are in an alternate universe....more on that later.  but here is a blog that seth started about a month and a half ago.  he didn't really finish it, but i told him that i am learning we just have to give out of where we are and what we got.  i don't think God asks us to be more than we are.  It's He who is greater and bigger in us that makes the difference.  so, here are some seth words....

So it has been nearly a month since our departure and i write to you from a small beach town on the west coast called Raglan.  On my previous journey to New Zealand my sister and I spent 8 days touring the north island and Raglan was by far favorite stop.  Off New Zealand's central Highway 1, Raglan sits just 45 minutes to the west.  The drive out to the coast is like a time warp to old Laguna Canyon Road at time when it was two lanes, there were cattle, and most importantly Irvine Company hadn't made its mark.  This is one of those roads you might find up in Mendocino County or along the central coast.  Where images and emotional stirrings force you to contemplate God's hand and at times my thoughts drifted to our beloved California and the open space we once knew.   I can remember my mom with the video camera recording the pastures of Newport Coast and telling us to take a good look, because it is all going to be houses some day.  So many times I tried to catalogue our experience as if it would be our last, yet there were no bulldozers or hungry developers waiting to make a buck.  The beauty kept unfolding, and I gave up my visual feeding frenzy,  trusting that New Zealand would continue to expose itself anew.  

This country is roughly the size of Oregon and California put together and it has only 4 million residents.  The New Zealander's know they live in a special place and they are quite keen to experience it all.  The country is set up to exposed and experienced.  With plentiful road signs, amazing camping facilities, and a solid effort at preservation 

Just a side note on Raglan...I stopped at the local garage to see about getting our power steering belt tightened (its got the squeeks) and I was greeted by another happy go lucky auto repair mechanic. (second side note...Dionna and I have discovered that all the auto mechanics in this country, who spend their lives in the dirt and grease, are enjoying life to its fullest, while all the health food stores who claim to change you life through organic food and eco-friendly cleaning supplies, have been nothing but stuffy and unwelcoming. Go figure)  After the mechanic wrote my name down I asked him what time i should bring the car.  He replied with, "what ever works for you no one ever sticks to the appointment times...this is Raglan"  Works for me...I knew i liked Raglan... "see you tomorrow."

For those of you contemplating marriage or if you have been at it for a while it is something I highly recomend.  My time with (Dionna sidenote: i wonder what he was going to say here!!!)

South is our current direction and we plan to board a 3hr car ferry come February 6th.   Dionna and I have enrolled in a Permaculture course on the south island starting the 7th.  The course runs 3 weeks and ends with a Permaculture certification and loads of hands on experience.  In case you are wondering what permaculture is I will try and give you a basic definition. Sustainable living whereby the land and the human can mutually benefit by working together. (Dionna sidenote:  essentially, it is a holistic approach to farming/gardening/taking care of the land.  it it is the kind of "farming" that came long before what we know in the middle states of the US.  It is what native peoples did.  we learned about assisting nature, doing what it does best.  permaculture is also about community.  it's about making space for people to connect and work together...that is permaculture in a very brief form).  The course will give us a great introduction into this (Dionna sidenote: now that i have completed the course i can tell you that it gave us a great introduction into permaculture certainly, but in a much bigger sense it gave us an introduction to how Seth and Dionna do life together and create boundaries in a place that is very very different from what we know.  more on this later...)

Hey guys, i have been in the computer lab for 4 hours and i am at the end of my rope.  the images are being a pain in my backside to download, so please forgive me if this blog has only one picture. but we have plenty, so we are going to try to start a flikr account or something.  please stay tuned.  

ps. we love you and miss you community

love dionna and seth

Honey Ankles

All day i watched flies lick my flea-bitten, honey coated ankles.  My ankles had honey on them because i was told at the "honey centre" that honey can cure most any ailment.  I got flea bites within the first week of our trip and i wake up most nights itching them to hell.  I am determined to itch them right off my ankles, but of course i am only hurting myself.  So, i resorted to honey. Other than give the flies a sweet treat, i don't think it worked.  In fact, i think they might have multiplied just to spite me.  In usual Dionna fashion I wait until discomfort reaches an all time high, and THEN i do something about it. When we went into town today, we stopped at a small organic shop.  The gal working their tells me that tea tree oil will do the trick with the damn flea bites.  Two words...thanks Mom.  You know what i mean.  Anyway, the gal who is saving my legs, seems to have an extensive knowledge of medicinal herbs, so i say as much to her.  In a snooty sort of tone, she says that she has lived her life by these herbs...my question for her, why'd they make her so grumpy? hmmm...

Before the flea-bite solutions, but after the bites, Seth and I spent a solid four days pursuing the perfect vehicle for our New Zealand adventures.  The used car market for backpackers is grueling work.  You have got to sift through the vans with lice infested, pre-installed (previously sweated in) mattresses that smell like mildew, the soccer mom Previas that aren't quite big enough, you have to fret over whether to wait the four weeks before you can get the pimped out van of your used car dreams...OR save yourself the headache and decide that it is better to notch down your expectations.  The beauty we finally chose, inside which i am now writing this blog, upon our clean duvet that sits on top of our freshly installed bed frame, is a metallic turquoise, 1994 Mitsubishi Delica.  We never knew a van could be this cool.  And now, it's home. 

 

God is good folks.  Seth and I don't know every step of this journey, but our desire is to stay the course (right dad?).  We set out to buy and kit-out a van, and God provided.  Through the process we learned that you have to expect the unexpected or you end up being disappointed a lot of the time.  We also learned (and ARE learning) that we, Seth and I, are two different people, with different ways of thinking and unique ways of processing...as we have to make decisions and choose paths to take, God is showing us that without his leadership, Headship, we can get easily sidetracked.  

Pride is something else i am learning about, and surprise surprise, I have it in spades.  Pridefully, i never thought i was a prideful person, hah!  Praise God for Seth and his gentle way with me.  I think I don't want to come across as incompetent in any way.  But the truth is, i am incompetent about a lot of things i don't know.  You are probably going to hear heaps about this in the coming months.  Hope for the future:  letting go of my fear, embracing His peace, stepping into safe vulnerability among those who love me, trust in Him growing deeper and stronger...it might be awhile...forever maybe...but there's time.  

Seth wants to write some stuff too, so i will let him do that in the next blog.  Thanks for reading.  It feels good to write to you instead of my journal.  Your love is real to us and we think about you often.  We pray that God is blessing you and keeping you...His fabulous face shining on you.  

Days 1 through 4

How do we tell our story?  You all were there for the beginning, but now comes the part where we are away from your preciously familiar eyes.  If you know Seth and I, you know that part of arriving in this new place involves some wrestling...wrestling with our own minds, wrestling with our insecurities...our fears that perhaps people are secretly hating us underneath those smiles.  Needless to say, we are head-trippers.  Even as I am writing this blog, i am thinking that my writing is not REAL enough, not gritty or compelling.  Like so many areas of my life, i want to be ten steps ahead...i want to write with the experience and insight that i don't have yet.  However, I am reminded to stay the course, to stay put in the present.  God has us in our shoes. 

Seth is on the computer at the moment, diligently searching for a trusty steed for our adventures.  We are looking for a camper-van that will keep us mobile and always with a bed to sleep in.  I love the way Seth refuses to settle.  He is tenacious in his pursuit for efficiency and quality.

As for our recent adventures, we spent a tropical weekend at a beach community called Pauanui (that's what all the pictures are from).  We were welcomed into the homes of new friends who greeted us warmly and with great hospitality.  Sitting around tables with a bounty of food, Seth and I were struck by God's provision.  Last night we ate yet another delicious dinner with our friends' family, laughing and telling stories around the table, and then headed back for Auckland.  Sitting in the back seat, being washed over in the light of a full moon, I basked in the blessings of the moment.  As the car followed the curves of the lush mountain road, I looked at my new husband and i thought of a specific provision that he represented.  More than I knew, God hand-picked this man to help shape me.  He reminds me of my need for our Saviour...reminds me how much sweeter life is when I trust our good and gracious Poppa.  Seth is a perfect blessing.  At times he is like a soothing salve to the wounds of my own fragile person.  We have both experienced our own insecurities since arriving in this place.  As we navigate our own individual process, we can look outside ourselves and see the other...a picture of God's own love standing next to us, holding hands, learning to trust, loving, wrestling, crying, smiling, laughing, seeing, bonding together...we are learning to lean.  God is good all the time.

We think of you often.  You are in our prayers before we go to bed.  We love you.